D’s new thing: D: Mama, draw train [hands me chalk] Me: [draws train.] D: [considers the drawing for a moment] Don’t like it. [erases my hard work.] Hilarious jerk.
One of D’s favorite things is to explain how things happen step by step and then inexplicably finish it with a long, drawn out “nowwwww?” E.g. when explaining how the trains work: “Trains go fast, zoom zoom, make loud sound, trains stop, people get on, nowwwww?” lol, yes, somewhere, someone is getting on a train right now.
Best $10 I ever spent
Inexplicable month long terror of taking a bath finally overcome by some mr bubble bath and foam alphabet letters. Enormous sigh of relief
Yes I am the kid's mom
Me: [To fellow parent in the Barnes and Noble kids’ section] Your son is so cute! Other parent: Thank you, so is yours. …He is yours, right? Me: Yes Other parent: You just look so young, like you’re his sister. Me: That’s the second time this week that someone has asked whether I’m the mom or the nanny, but I assumed it’s because we don’t look anything...
Be right back
D’s new thing is to say, “D be right back; going Whole Foods get groceries.” Then he leaves the room for a bit and comes back and starts “making soup.”
Aint too proud to bribe
Yesterday, on a whim, I tried to bribe D to poop on the potty. I knew he had to poop, so I took off his diaper and said, “Look, if you poop on the potty, I’ll give you ice cream.” “Mama. Poop on potty, get ice cream?” “Yes, if you poop on the potty, I’ll give you ice cream. You want to go poop on the potty now?” “All done poop on...
Dyadyas at the park
We were at the park and D was scooping up the pebbles (AGAIN with the pebbles!) and putting them in a pail when this other kid came over and dumped them all out. D looked a little surprised, but was unfazed. The dad came over and said, “Billy, no! We don’t disrupt other people’s stuff!” In protest, the kid picked up rocks and tossed them (not at anyone in particular, more...
D has taken to getting right in people’s faces to ask a question. Very, very sweetly. Eg, after he spent the day with my mom (during which he helped make cookies), I came to pick him up and was holding him on my hip when all of the sudden I had a smiling little toddler face right in mine saying, “Mama. More cookies?” (He’ll always say your name to get your attention...
If I were a property manager, I would charge a kid...
The fact that you have to pay a pet deposit but not a kid deposit is starting to not make sense to me. Things cat partially/completely destroyed: 0 Things cat tried to destroy: 1 Things kid partially/completely destroyed: 5 (at last count) Things kid tried to destroy: oh so much more…
D: Make cookies! Me: You’re making cookies? What kind of cookies are you making? D: Rice cookies. Me: That actually sounds pretty yummy…
The simple things
We go to the park with the nice, huge play area and baby swings, and big kid swings, and a sandbox, and lots of space for running around. There’s also some kind of fitness area, presumably for adults to use (presumably in the early morning before kids get there because I’ve never seen anyone seriously using the area for fitness). And everywhere, there are tiny pebbles; it’s a...
[in the parking lot, coming out of the store pushing the cart with groceries and D] Me: Now *where* did I park my car? D: [gestures vaguely behind himself]
Me: So, the word for get down is “da-cyoon.” Mom: In Russian? Me: No, in baby. Zucka just jumped up on the TV stand again and hub told him to get down. D RUNS up to me and says, “ZUCKA CLIMB THERE, DIMA CLIMB *NO*. PAPA ZUCKA DA-*CYOOOON!*” I said that Papa didn’t want Zucka to set a bad example, so now Zuck’s not allowed up there either. I wonder if that was...
But you let Zucka!
Me: Don’t even think about trying to climb on the TV stand. D: Climbing on TV stand boh boh? Hurt? Me: Yes, if you fall you could get hurt. Don’t climb it. D: Zucka climb. Me: But Zucka’s a cat and he won’t get as hurt if he were to fall. The way he says “Zucka climb” is so funny. It’s like he’s saying, “But you let Zucka climb!”...
When D says “toothpaste,” it sounds like “stupid.” It’s especially cute when he says “mommy’s toothpaste.” I’m always like, “mommy’s WHAT? Oh.”
I’m sure this will become less and less endearing as time goes on, but for now, it’s hilarious that when I ask D to take something to his room, he does so immediately and willingly, but when I walk by his room later, I find that he’s put the object in question on the *very* threshold of his room, *right* next to the door. Attempts to ask him to put things on his bed instead have...
D likes to pretend to cook. I watched him cook for a while today. He uses a mixing pot, a spoon to stir, a knife to chop, and a blender. The best part is that he narrates everything, so I feel like I’m watching a cooking show by toddlers for toddlers. I tried to get it on video, but when he saw me filming him, he got all artificial. Too bad we don’t have brain cameras.
I passed out from exhaustion on D’s floor again today while he played with his toys. (These 5am mornings need to stop!) When I woke up, I found that he had put a blanket on me while I was asleep. My kid is awesome.
*Thwack* Mommy, read!
Fell asleep on the floor today, completely and totally exhausted from being up at 5am - FIVE AM. Then SOMEONE - I’m not saying who (D!*ahem*) woke me up by hitting me over the head with a book. “Mommy, read!” and then: “All done mommy sleep. ALL DONE.” No, D -you’re the one who’s all done with sleep. I still enjoy being well rested, thank you. (At which...
My life looks surreal on paper
This evening, I was fed jambalaya by a short person narrating his life in the third person.
Me and D building blocks: Me: Do you like my building? It’s in the style of Frank Lloyd Wright. D: Needs more doors.
More mountain goats
This evening when we were eating dinner, Dmitri started saying, “Empty promises! Empty promises!” I had no idea where he would have heard that phrase and then I realized that he got it from a Mountain Goats song. Best kid ever?
Me [to husband]: Can you translate this next bit of D’s multik that’s coming up? The little girl says something to the tyotya and the tyotya passes out. I want to know what she says. Husband [watches scene in multik]: She says, “For 4000 rubles, would you eat a dead cat? Me: [surprised laughter] Husband: Weren’t expecting that, were you? Me: [Goes back to finish...
I hear “look at this!” and turn to see a pants-less baby grinning at me.
Me: You know what that is - what is it? D: Star! Me: Yup! And this is an octagon. D: Octagon. Me: And this is a rectangle. D: … Me: And this is a parallelogram! D: [looks at me as though to say, “You’ve got to be kidding me.”]
Everything is boh-boh!
After D’s papa scolded him for standing on something he shouldn’t, and D’s grandmother and I warned him that the sewing machine is “boh-boh,” I realized that D probably thinks that everything is out to get him and will end up with an anxiety disorder about it or something. So, I picked him up by his ankles and swung him around the house singing...
D has been calling me “hey babe” because his papa does. ”Hey babe. Play blocks!” It’s pretty hilarious to be called “hey babe” by a 2 year old.
D prosody babbles in rhyme. Maybe I need to lay off the Dr. Seuss marathons.
D [moving his shoes out of the way]: ‘Scuse me, shoes.
the blow dryer
I think D is mishearing “blow dryer” as “blow-dry-hair.” Mommy, get blow-dry-hair. Goodnight, blow-dry-hair. I have to cover my mouth with both hands to hide my giggles.
It is SO cute to hear D singing along with my music in the car. Though this just took the cake: One song begins with someone saying, “…and let everything that’s disturbed you in the past disappear; disappear, disappear into the midnight of your consciousness.” Just then, I heard a little voice in the back repeating, “disa-pew, disa-pew, disa-pew mih-nite...
D asked me to read Madame Bovary (en anglais) to him today. I didn’t even make it through one sentence when he closed the book on me. Then he handed me Le Petit Prince(en français, bien sur) to read. He made it through a whole paragraph, even with my crappy accent. Then we moved on to Frog and Toad Are Friends, and we were both happier for it.
My MIL made me a pillow for Christmas. It’s sitting in the place of honor, on the couch. D likes playing with her fabric scraps, or “triapki,” and today he was playing with the scraps from the pillow. Later today, he was sitting on the couch with me. He looked over at the pillow and said, “All done, triapki.”
somehow it's like they belong there
Things currently living in our fridge: a toy car a big green crayon diaper rash cream
My sweet child said “bless you, dyadya!” to some guy who sneezed in the grocery store. (дядя/dyadya = “uncle”) He also said “bless you, mama” earlier when I sneezed. Awwwwww.
Me: Do you want a banana? D: N’uh [turns head away] [looks back up] Mango! Mango! Mango! Me: We’re out of mangos, B. D: Pear. Pear, pear, pear! Pear? Me: We don’t have any pears either. D: Mangoooooooo. Peaaaaaaaaaar. So I went to the store this morning and came back with a big mango and some pears. Me: B, what’s this? D: MANGO! He’s happily eating...
The baby just decided he was done playing with my headphones and keys. “All done, keys. Bye bye, mommy’s headphones.”
B, why do you love the vacuum so much?
Bragging on my baby
My baby can count from 1-10 in Russian and English AND knows most of his ABCs. Also, he was talking to himself earlier and it was so funny: D: [stacking his blocks] One… two… three… [the blocks fall] OOPIES! I died.
Woman behind us in the check-out line: I have a grandson your age! B: WOW.
Yes, it's sharp
When my back was turned, b grabbed a knife from the counter, poked me in the butt with it and asked, “Sharp-ah?”
The cont story of B and Zucka
The b has stopped saying “aaaah-OOOO Zucka.” Now when you ask him what Lucky says, he replies with “WOOOOW! WOW! WOOOOOW!” One day, he spent all morning in Lucky’s face saying “Wooooooow. Wooooooow.” This kid is so freaking awesome. The only sad thing is that the more awesome things he starts doing, the less time I have to write about it all.
Another bosom comparison
The other day, B patted my bosom and said, “Watah!” He’s right, what can I say.
Yesterday, my mom was over and B kept taking her to the coat closet and saying, “Ba! Ba! Ba!” She was like, “I don’t see any balls in here…” “Oh no,” I said, “Ba is his name for the vacuum cleaner.” So we got Ba out and played with him for a bit (my kid is not like other babies, I feel) and then put him back. “I thought he...
B woke up today at 7am. He didn’t cry, he just stood up in his crib and said, “Mama? Mama? Maaama… Maaaama!” He calls me by name now when he wants me, how cool is this?
The cat’s name is Lucky and he says meow. But according to B, his name is Zucka and he says Ahh-OOOOOOOO. Actually, to be more precise, B’s version goes like this, “Ahh-OOOOOO Zucka” as though the cat says his own name after meowing.
My 15 month old just helped me do the dishes. Other mamas, your kids are great and Ima let you finish, but my kid is one of the best kids of all time.
So I call the little guy “bb” or “b” irl, too. Today I said to him, “Come on, let’s go, B.” The funny thing is that he just learned what bees say and answered with “buzzz-a-buzzzz-a-buzzzzz.” Ahhhh! I died.
I gave bb my empty starbucks coffee cup and he pretended to drink from it and then smacked his lips while looking very satisfied. And I thought to myself, oh God is that what *I* do?
BB grabbed his grandmother’s keys, toddled over to the door, and attempted to put one of the keys in the doorknob. BB, you’re so smart!